


Never gonna give you up

by thegatorgood



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology, The Iliad - Homer
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-18 10:22:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11872341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegatorgood/pseuds/thegatorgood
Summary: Ajax, son of Telamon, held both thumbs down and said that in his opinion, Odysseus was not nearly so clever as he thought he was, and his own herald exited the pavilion, running after Odysseus's with both thumbs down, that men might know of Ajax's disapproval.  (Or, the Iliad if they had social media.)





	Never gonna give you up

**Author's Note:**

> FOR #4
> 
> "THE ILIAD IF THEY HAD SOCIAL MEDIA." I SHAMELESSLY STOLE YOUR "NEW PIGEON, WHO DIS?" AND RAN WITH IT, AND IT WAS A LOT OF FUN EVEN IF I COULDN'T MAKE DICK PIC JOKES BECAUSE THEY'RE ANCIENT GREEKS AND WOULD BE CONFUSED IF RANDOM DONGS _WEREN'T_ SCATTERED ALL OVER THE LANDSCAPE.

As quick-witted Odysseus approached the camp, he saw painted upon the walls of Troy portraits of shining Hektor, and peerless Andromache, and their son Scamandrius, also named Astyanax. And their faces were full of joy, as all the faces upon the walls of Troy painted by the nimble-fingered artisans had been these past nine years.

And seeing them, the heart of Odysseus was heavy with sorrow and a longing to take his strong-benched ships and return home to Ithaca, to his own wife Penelope and to his young son Telemachos. Nor was he alone in his desire for home, for many Achaians looked upon the walls of Troy and wished themselves far away. But that morning Odysseus had twofold cause to wish to leave: first, the yearning to be home; and second, the meeting of the Argive leaders which he had been called to, but had no desire to attend. And standing before the tents of Agamemnon, son of Atreus, Odysseus dearly wished to flee, or to summon the blocker and request that some wax from the honey-gold blocks be melted into his ears, to stopper them and spare him from what lay ahead. 

At the entrance of the pavilion stood Menelaos the warlike, and in his hands he clutched a stone-gray pigeon. Going to Menelaos, Odysseus gave to him the question of what purpose he had with the pigeon: whether he was receiving news, or sending it, and, in either case, whether it boded well for the Achaians assembled on the beach, or ill.

Answered Menelaos, "No news, and yet good news: this is the pigeon of glorious Helen, whom Alexandros stole from me."

And Odysseus did not correct him to say that Helen had not been taken away in chains, nor been abducted under the threat of harm, but had, at the urging of white-armed Aphrodite, left her husband. Instead he spoke thusly: "How is it that you can be sure it truly is her pigeon? For pigeons are very similar in coloring and behavior, and that might merely be the pigeon of some Danaan or Achaian, bearing some strong resemblance to the one your wife, shining among women, was wont to employ."

In answer spoke Menelaos, "It is true that many pigeons are alike, o son of Laertes, but I would know my wife's from all others, for she used to call me on her pigeon, late at night when she needed my love." Speaking thus and keeping the pigeon close to his breast-plate, Menelaos entered the tent, and Odysseus followed behind.

And entering the tent he announced that he had passed by the encampment of Achilleus, Peleus's son, and that sewn into the shining pavilions was the status update that the son of Peleus remained furious at Agamemnon for having baselessly stolen the girl Briseis from him, for she had been given him as a prize of honor by the Achaians and the theft of her dishonored him, and he would fight no more. And all this was embroidered in silken letters large enough to be seen far off, yea even from the walls of Troy, and it was a wonder he had not run out of fabric.

And Diomedes remarked it was a wonder the son of Peleus had not yet had it engraved upon his armor, upon which some of the leaders laughed, and Odysseus showed a raised thumb, a symbol of his approval, and the herald of Diomedes leapt to his swift feet to convey the comment to the camps.

But straightupon Agamemnon rebuked Odysseus: "I have never in my life stolen a concubine; all concubines have been given to me freely." All the while stroking his greasy fingers along the flank of Briseis, who paid him no mind but poured out the wine into the shallow bowls. 

Meanwhile Menelaos sat by the door, having sent a slave to bring a cage for the pigeon, which he swore was godlike Helen's. And with his other hand he rifled through pictures copied from the walls of Troy, depicting Helen and Alexandros, weighing how much or little she smiled in them as the years had passed, and searching for a sign that she would welcome a return to the marriage bed of Menelaos.

And agèd Nestor, seeing this, asked why there were so many pictures these days, painted on walls and drawn upon parchment, for when he had been a youth of Achilleus's age, or even an older man of Menelaos's, they did not paint so many pictures on the wall, nor did they share every aspect of every festival celebrated with anyone within sight of a city. Nor had they had this new-fangled parchment, but had painted scenes upon amphoras, and that was how one knew they were scenes of import, to be committed to an amphora. And also one's slaves could store wine in the amphoras and later pour it out, which could not be done with a scrap of parchment.

Thus Nestor spoke, and when he was finished, gluttonous Agamemnon said, "And even if I had stolen a concubine from one of my war leaders, and disrespected him, and lost our army the rattle of his spears and the strength of his gleaming ships, there would be nothing wrong with it. For if there was something wrong with it, Zeus would not have appeared to me in a dream and told me that now was our time to defeat the Trojans. For Hera has stolen their energy and left them with flagging spirits, which would fill me with sorrow and pity, were I not about to kill them." 

And thus he spoke, and the Argives listened to him, but many doubted that Zeus had truly appeared in a dream to Agamemnon, aggrandizer of self, or that the Trojans were so weary of fighting as to be defeated, when their sentries might see from the walls Achilleus's declaration.

And only Nestor, king of Pylos, was willing to speak, but not of his doubts, rather of his conviction that what the son of Atreus said was true, that they did not need the help of Achilleus, and that Zeus had vouched it so.

Then Odysseus asked what matter of attack Agamemnon foresaw: for it was not enough to place all the Achaians in armor, if they had no order for the spear-bristling hoplites, nor targets for their archers. And the other leaders agreed with Odysseus that a strategy was of utmost importance, but could not agree upon which strategy, for in their hearts they doubted it had truly been Zeus, greatest of gods, nor did they believed they could beat back the Trojans without the help of the Myrmidons, and so they decided that quibbling was best, until this madness had passed. 

And so they sat and ate of meat and drank of wine as the sun climbed in the sky, all doing their part to disagree except Agamemnon, who cared not for strategy, and Menelaos, absent from the discussion as he formed honeyed words to send to the long-suffering Helen.

And noticing this, Idomeneos inquired were they not a war council, and how might they make progress if their princes were so distracted by personal matters, for so consumed in his letter was Menelaos that without him they were likely to achieve nothing.

Remarked Odysseus that Menelaos's letter might be distracting them now, but it could not explain the last nine years.

And immediately the herald of Odysseus jumped up chortling and left fleet-footed to repeat his words to the rest of the Argives.

But Ajax, son of Telamon, held both thumbs down and said that in his opinion, Odysseus was not nearly so clever as he thought he was, and his own herald exited the pavilion, running after Odysseus's with both thumbs down, that men might know of Ajax's disapproval.

But gray-eyed Athene had found amusement in Odysseus's joke, and stayed his hand, that he might not take offense at the words of Ajax, or make another joke at his expense, for this was a war council, and fighting therein was forbidden.

Menelaos, stung by the rebuke, and having finished his letter to Helen, answered Idomeneos, that if it had been possible, he would have challenged the coward Alexandros to a duel for the possession of Helen, and won her back that way.

But Diomedes, listening to these winged words and hearing the flaw in them, recalled earlier schemes, and reminded warlike Menelaos of one: "Four years hence you threatened Helen that if she did not return to you, you would have our artisans replicate her nakedness upon the sides of your pavilions, and the sails of your ships, and any other surface upon which it could be produced. And Alexandros, learning of your plot, had his artisans do such a thing upon the very walls of Troy, and yet nothing came of it."

"She nearly cast him aside for it," argued manlike Menelaos.

"She nearly cast him over the walls of Troy," corrected Diomedes, son of Tydeos, "but did not move towards your side, or end this war."

Thus he spoke, and in his heart Menelaos knew this was true, and brooded upon his difficulties, for Helen had decided to remain in the house of Priam and forsake the house of Atreus, however much her heart had filled with anger and scorn for Alexandros.

Meanwhile white-bearded Nestor, shaking his head in sadness, condemned the taking and sharing of such pictures, and further opined, "Nor do I understand the craze for wax tablets, for they are not of stone, nor of clay, and a thing written in them may be erased, rubbed out, and something else written where it used to be. Stone tablets in my view are far superior, as used by generations of men before us."

But Agamemnon grew bored of the discourse of the leaders of the Argives, and disregarding their arguments and evaluations declared, "It does not matter if Achilleus will not save us, nor if godlike Hektor might crush us and burn our boats, nor if I never return home to my loving family. We have sacrificed far too much to give up now: Hashtag Iphigenia at Aulis, Hashtag Made the wind great again."

And the assembled Danaan princes were uneasy, but Agamemnon again urged them into armor and into battle, citing Zeus's promise of a swift and decisive victory.

And Odysseus, with barely any breath behind his words, said it was an easy order for Agamemnon to give, when it was not one Agamemnon himself would obey: "When you never enter battle, but shout commands from your tent, behind your strong-armed soldiers." But his herald was out, so his words did not fly to the army on that man's heels, but stayed with him and him alone, true though they were.

And the assembled war leaders began to disperse: Diomedes to his camp to ready his soldiers, and Ajax to his, and Ajax the Lesser to his, and Agamemnon to his slaves to order them to sew a status update into his pavilions, regarding the dream that Zeus had sent him.

And Odysseus's herald returned, bearing a pigeon, at the sight of which Menelaos released a happy cry, and with rough force tore the bird and the note it bore from the hands of Odysseus's herald. 

But the heart of Menelaos son of Atreus sank as he read the words, "This pigeon is new to me; I know not your name nor your writing." And sorely afflicted he fell in the dirt, and lamented greatly, for he knew her writing, and knew she knew his.

And Nestor, still at the pavilion, drinking deep of the sea-dark wine, spoke thus: "Nor do I understand why youths these days would wish to share a picture of a cloud said to resemble Zeus and Hera coupling, when the cloud in no way resembles such a thing. Do they not have fields to plow? Battles to fight? Entrails to read? Then why these pictures of clouds, and of stewed barley, and of the gods of Egypt, adorable as they are, captioned with misspelled Greek?"

Then Menelaos, still saddened greatly, lifted his weeping head from his arms and agreed with garrulous Nestor that surely it was the end of civilization.

And tired-eyed Briseis drank the last of the wine, and Odysseus rose and left the pavilion to don his armor, but in his heart he yearned for home.


End file.
